Celebrating the Wit and Humor of Les Dawson: Memorable Les Dawson Quotes
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"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas, with a note saying, 'Toys not included.'" - Les Dawson
"I always take my wife morning tea in a bone china cup. It's a mistake she'll never make again." - Les Dawson
"The neighbor said to me, 'Would you like a hand with your lawn?' I said, 'No thanks, I want to keep it where it is.'" - Les Dawson
"My wife is a great cook. She can make a meal out of nothing and then draw back." - Les Dawson
"My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink responsibly." - Les Dawson
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender." - Les Dawson
"I had a dream that all the cardboard cutouts I've ever collected came to life. I woke up surrounded by politicians." - Les Dawson
"I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes." - Les Dawson
"My wife has a keen sense of humor. She always laughs at her own jokes...especially the ones I don't get." - Les Dawson
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond." - Les Dawson
"I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was shy, but it turned out she just didn't know how to dance." - Les Dawson
"I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'" - Les Dawson
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house." - Les Dawson
"I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer." - Les Dawson
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." - Les Dawson
"My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat." - Les Dawson
"I've learned that laughter is the shortest distance between two people." - Les Dawson
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised." - Les Dawson
"I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes, about me taking out the trash." - Les Dawson
"I'm in shape. Round is a shape." - Les Dawson
"My wife is always trying to lose weight. But she's a terrible navigator. Every time she sees a sign that says 'Reduced Fat,' she takes that road." - Les Dawson
"I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter asked if I wanted to order. I said, 'No, she will, I'll just have the leftovers.'" - Les Dawson
"I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her." - Les Dawson
"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way." - Les Dawson
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me." - Les Dawson
"I asked my wife if she ever cheated on me. She said, 'Who else would have you?'" - Les Dawson
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days." - Les Dawson
"My wife has a gift for mind reading. She can tell I'm thinking of something stupid without me saying a word." - Les Dawson
"My wife is a great gardener. She has a green thumb. It's attached to her credit card." - Les Dawson
"I asked my wife if she ever wanted to be rich and famous. She said, 'No, I just want to be rich.'" - Les Dawson
"My wife and I have separate bedrooms. She has the upstairs and I have the downstairs." - Les Dawson
"I'm not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Les Dawson
"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius, and we're skeptical." - Les Dawson
"I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals that are." - Les Dawson
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug." - Les Dawson
"I'm such a bad cook, my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor." - Les Dawson
"I went to a seafood restaurant and ordered a plate of fish. The waiter said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but the fish isn't fresh.' I said, 'Then bring me some that is!'"
"I told my wife she should join a circus. She said, 'What position?' I said, 'The one where you shut up and go away!'" - Les Dawson
"I don't mind getting older. It's a privilege denied to many." - Les Dawson
"I'm not a self-made man. I owe my success to the people I've worked with." - Les Dawson
"I asked my wife if she ever cheated on me. She said, 'Who else would have me?'" - Les Dawson
"I'm such a bad cook that even my oven goes on strike." - Les Dawson
"My wife is a great housekeeper. Every time I get divorced, she keeps the house." - Les Dawson
"I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer." - Les Dawson
"I've been married for 40 years, and I'm still in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me." - Les Dawson
"I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem." - Les Dawson
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug. I guess that explains why I'm still here." - Les Dawson
Les Dawson's unique brand of humor continues to captivate audiences with his sharp wit, clever wordplay, and ability to find humor in the ordinary. Through his memorable quotes, Les Dawson brought laughter and joy to millions of people. Whether he was poking fun at relationships, everyday situations, or himself, his comedic genius never failed to entertain. As we celebrate Les Dawson and his comedic legacy, let us remember the laughter he brought and the timeless humor that continues to resonate with audiences today.
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Les Dawson Quotes
"I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make it on Mondays.'" - Les Dawson"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas, with a note saying, 'Toys not included.'" - Les Dawson
"I always take my wife morning tea in a bone china cup. It's a mistake she'll never make again." - Les Dawson
"The neighbor said to me, 'Would you like a hand with your lawn?' I said, 'No thanks, I want to keep it where it is.'" - Les Dawson
"My wife is a great cook. She can make a meal out of nothing and then draw back." - Les Dawson
"My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink responsibly." - Les Dawson
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender." - Les Dawson
"I had a dream that all the cardboard cutouts I've ever collected came to life. I woke up surrounded by politicians." - Les Dawson
"I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes." - Les Dawson
"My wife has a keen sense of humor. She always laughs at her own jokes...especially the ones I don't get." - Les Dawson
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond." - Les Dawson
"I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was shy, but it turned out she just didn't know how to dance." - Les Dawson
"I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'" - Les Dawson
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house." - Les Dawson
"I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer." - Les Dawson
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." - Les Dawson
"My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat." - Les Dawson
"I've learned that laughter is the shortest distance between two people." - Les Dawson
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised." - Les Dawson
"I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes, about me taking out the trash." - Les Dawson
"I'm in shape. Round is a shape." - Les Dawson
"My wife is always trying to lose weight. But she's a terrible navigator. Every time she sees a sign that says 'Reduced Fat,' she takes that road." - Les Dawson
"I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter asked if I wanted to order. I said, 'No, she will, I'll just have the leftovers.'" - Les Dawson
"I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her." - Les Dawson
"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way." - Les Dawson
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me." - Les Dawson
"I asked my wife if she ever cheated on me. She said, 'Who else would have you?'" - Les Dawson
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days." - Les Dawson
"My wife has a gift for mind reading. She can tell I'm thinking of something stupid without me saying a word." - Les Dawson
"My wife is a great gardener. She has a green thumb. It's attached to her credit card." - Les Dawson
"I asked my wife if she ever wanted to be rich and famous. She said, 'No, I just want to be rich.'" - Les Dawson
"My wife and I have separate bedrooms. She has the upstairs and I have the downstairs." - Les Dawson
"I'm not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Les Dawson
"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius, and we're skeptical." - Les Dawson
"I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals that are." - Les Dawson
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug." - Les Dawson
"I'm such a bad cook, my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor." - Les Dawson
"I went to a seafood restaurant and ordered a plate of fish. The waiter said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but the fish isn't fresh.' I said, 'Then bring me some that is!'"
"I told my wife she should join a circus. She said, 'What position?' I said, 'The one where you shut up and go away!'" - Les Dawson
"I don't mind getting older. It's a privilege denied to many." - Les Dawson
"I'm not a self-made man. I owe my success to the people I've worked with." - Les Dawson
"I asked my wife if she ever cheated on me. She said, 'Who else would have me?'" - Les Dawson
"I'm such a bad cook that even my oven goes on strike." - Les Dawson
"My wife is a great housekeeper. Every time I get divorced, she keeps the house." - Les Dawson
"I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer." - Les Dawson
"I've been married for 40 years, and I'm still in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me." - Les Dawson
"I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem." - Les Dawson
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug. I guess that explains why I'm still here." - Les Dawson
Les Dawson's unique brand of humor continues to captivate audiences with his sharp wit, clever wordplay, and ability to find humor in the ordinary. Through his memorable quotes, Les Dawson brought laughter and joy to millions of people. Whether he was poking fun at relationships, everyday situations, or himself, his comedic genius never failed to entertain. As we celebrate Les Dawson and his comedic legacy, let us remember the laughter he brought and the timeless humor that continues to resonate with audiences today.
Tags
Comedy